Baby Of Mine

Dear Baby of Mine,
Oh sweet little life, that was mine for only a moment. Not a second of any day goes by without my thoughts drifting to you and the life that could have been. There are days where the thoughts come quickly and pass without emotion, and there are day where they hang like the dark clouds before a storm.

Today would have been your fourth birthday. You would have shared it with your Momee Carole, Daddy's mom. We would have had cake and presents and balloons. You may have even enjoyed the turnip green dinner we had tonight - between you and me - I did not. The greens that your dad threw on my plate stayed there all night long.

There's a long list of people who would have loved to meet you. Your cousins, Sophie and Sadie, would have been the most excited I'm sure. Sophie is 6 and Sadie is now 3 so I am confident that you would have been grand friends with them - even though we live far away.

If you were here today, you would probably be in preschool - learning your alphabet, numbers, and maybe even to read by now. Daddy and I would take great joy in reading to you each night before bedtime. 3 furry friends also live with us - Cash, Taku, and Shelby. I think you would probably be very attached to Shelby. She would let you love all over her and even use her for a pillow. She does that with my students in my classroom. They are cuddled up on the sofa asleep right now. We didn't have any of them when we thought you were coming - only Bogey. He died not too long after we lost you. It was one of the saddest days of our lives because it was like losing you all over again. So, these 3 furry critters are now the recipients of lots of love.

We didn't know if you were a little girl or boy, but either way, daddy would probably be schooling you on traditional archery and all things hunting. He needs a hunting buddy now. The dogs just don't cut it.

Since you left, I've spent a lot of time chasing after success - I graduated with my Master's degree, received National Board certification, and was the 1st runner-up teacher of the year in our county. I don't think I would have done any of this if you would have been here. However, I would trade it all in a heartbeat to see your sweet face.

We've spent 4 years waiting and wondering if we would ever get to be parents. I think your daddy has handled it better than I have. There have been days where I've been angry, especially when I see parents who don't know how to take care of their children or choose not to, or parents that never wanted children, but have them anyway, or parents who cannot afford children and have more than they can handle, or young adults that have multiple children by multiple fathers and expect me to be excited. It hasn't been easy.

There are many people that have surrounded us with love and with prayer over the last 4 years and we are most grateful for that. Without those prayers, I'm not sure if I would have been able to stand it. Hopefully, one day we'll get the opportunity to share the story of you with our children and grandchildren. If not, we will find a way to be content in what we have instead of dwelling on what we don't. But know, that if you would have been here, you would have been loved beyond measure.


Just Me said…
My sweet Shasta,
What better way to share your heart. I'm sure the angels in heaven have bowed really close to that little one as wisps of mommy love have invaded the airspace around him or her. Surely there must be lots of love there and he or she is daily cradled by His everlasting arms. Keep writing,it is a window to your soul and your mother is listening.
Sheryl said…
Just beautiful Shasta! I never heart feels your pain and your desires. There are so many things in this life we may never understand but this I feel in my soul,that one day it will be made clear and we will see God's glory and love in all of it, the sorrows and the joys. And... one day we will hold these precious ones in our arms and have an eternity to know and to love them in a perfect place
Sheila said…
Your words never fail to touch me - in different ways, of course. Not having seen you since you were at REC when I retired (back in 2005), I did not know of your loss of this precious child. The fact that you can talk to her, celebrate through tears even, is an evidence of the love you have. The great achievements that you have earned are most deserved. May God grant you and your husband the blessing of life that you treasure in His time.